The other night, I was part of an intimate and vulnerable conversation. We covered grief, sex, infidelity, hormones, dental woes, and oddly, our mothers. No, it was not with my therapist. That was the next day . It was better. The heart-to-heart discourse was with a group of friends, in my women’s group, during our monthly get-together, where small talk is neither necessary nor desired. Our spontaneous topics, this month, were not uplifting but they were real; they were our collective, right-now struggles. And, as we shared, we felt heard, validated, and gently supported. I treasure my girl time and I know that I am not alone.
Midlife is often a time when relationships, and especially female friendships, are more fulfilling. In fact, my research on 600+ women worldwide found that friendships are one of the greatest gifts of this time of our lives. Mostly gone, thank goodness, are the complicated, frustrating, and sometimes one-sided friendships of our younger years. Who has the time and interest for any of those? By this age, we are increasingly aware that life is simply too short to spend it in unsatisfying relationships.
To have close girlfriends at any point in our lives is a gift, but there is a quality to our more mature relationships that either did not or could not exist in our young adulthood. They tend to be real, easy, and honest, mirroring our maturation and growth. And, unlike in past decades, our topics of conversation are increasingly about us, and our midlife evolution, as opposed to our kids or careers.
Here’s how some women in my research described their midlife friendships:
- “They lift me up and bring me joy.”
- “There is a mutual give and take. We both initiate, make plans, call each other.”
- “They are honest and reliable.”
- “They accept me exactly as I am.”
- “100% of me wants to be with them. There’s no ambivalence.”
Fulfilling friendships are not necessarily based on longevity nor do they require baring your soul, if that’s not your thing. I went to the Fringe Festival with one friend on Saturday night and spent the better part of Sunday afternoon at a Cider bar with a different group. I loved both of those get togethers. A meaningful friendship is based on what is personally fulfilling to you.
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Consider what it is about your closest friends that is most appealing. Are they good listeners? Trustworthy? Reliable? Is there mutual give and take? And spend time with more women that share those attributes. We need each other now more than ever.
If you are feeling isolated in midlife, reach out to a friend and connect. Come to one of my midlife events. There are always cool women there. Or, consider starting a group of your own. Invite one or two of your friends and ask them to invite a few of theirs. You never know where it may lead.
Cheers to midlife girlfriends!