When my mother Jackie started developing dementia, I did not want to accept that this was her reality. She was a tireless leader, wife, mother, grandmother, and beacon of her community. I was pained even thinking about my mother being confused, uncertain, or dependent. I wanted to believe that her memory lapses were normal for her age, a result of doing too much, or even that I was being overly concerned. But, as her symptoms worsened, the truth became harder to deny.
I realized that although I had no control over the progression of her disease, I did have a choice regarding how I could respond to it. I could continue to futilely fight against this painful reality and emotionally exhaust myself in the process, or I could gently accept what was happening.
I chose acceptance. I put down my fighting gloves and leaned in. I learned invaluable information from researching dementia and attending support groups which helped me to better understand and communicate with my mom. Acceptance also enabled me to access a depth of compassion for her and for its impact on my father, compassion that would have been impossible to muster had I continued to deny her condition and our reality. Most importantly, acceptance allowed our time together, during the last years of her life, to be sweet rather than frustrating.
There are so many aspects of midlife that most of us would rather reject – hormonal chaos, our aging loved ones, our own physical decline, unexpected caretaking demands, and our more padded bellies to name a few. Acceptance does not imply that we are at peace with any of these challenges nor does it mean we should not use resources or get support to help with our struggles. Rather, acceptance affirms the these are inevitable realities of aging, which will happen regardless of our feeling towards then, and is a starting point to manage these changes with more grace.
Whether or not you choose to accept midlife changes and challenges, I wish you compassion and ease on the journey.